Problem

S. is a mom of three girls. At the time we worked together her girls were ages 1, 3 and 4 years. She felt completely overwhelmed with how to discipline 3 very different little girls. One was very quiet and sensitive, the other very outgoing and assertive. The one year old, of course, required near-constant care. S. was frustrated at how increasingly busy her life was, as she was very involved with her church, ran her own part-time business, and did most of the daily household chores. She also wanted to know how to deal with her 4 year old spirited daughter’s melt-downs, as they were setting the tone for the rest of the family. She was so overwhelmed with mothering that she wasn’t even able to take a shower by herself without her girls needing her. By the time we started working together, she had begun to seriously doubt her abilities as a mother. She felt guilty that she was parenting “wrong” and worried that she was either too lenient or too strict. She was confused as to how to know that she was imparting her values to her kids and raising them well when all she wanted was a good night’s sleep. She was searching for some way to know that she was on-track with how she was raising her girls. She also wanted to experience more peace in her home.

Solution

Because S. was so hard on herself, we immediately worked on exploring her core strengths. We talked about what was currently going well with her mothering, and looked at what qualities she brought to the table (such as patience, a willingness to persist even when things got stressful, etc.) that were helping parts of her life to go well. We made sure to create a list of strengths, and both of us added to it often. S. also posted it in a place where she could see it so that she could remind herself that she had what it took to be a great mother.

Once she started to see that there were, in fact, areas of her parenting that were going well, we also got clear on her “Big Picture” of what she wanted her parenting to look life, feel like. This was an idealized version, and I encouraged her to take it to the limit and be bold. After answering some carefully crafted questions, she was excited by what her ideal was, even though aspects of it seemed very far away! Throughout our time together, we helped her get clearer and clearer on this image, and to sometimes act as though it were already happening. By getting clear on what she wanted, and imagining it, she began to see that she was already on her way to becoming the kind of mom she had always hoped. This gave her the much needed peace she had been seeking because she also began to see that the values she was hoping to impart in her ideal were, in part, already showing up.

Our next step was to help her find and create small pockets of time where she could start to replenish herself. We started with having her wake up 15 minutes earlier each morning so she could read the scriptural writings of her faith. She had been saying that she was missing this spiritual part of her day and was wondering how to put it back. We also found ways for her to shower by herself, and she quickly discovered that the simple acts of taking a shower by herself combined with short readings of her scriptures helped her to feel more energized and less stressed. Because she was replenished, she was more patient with her children, which helped create a more peaceful home.

Finally, we discovered ways for her to set limits with her 3 and 4 year old in ways that worked for both of their different temperaments. She expressed fear that her spirited child would grow up to be a rebellious teenager on drugs, even with proper love and limits. We took this fear and her look at it from a “worst case scenario” to the point that she began to laugh. She commented, “It’s amazing how I can go from feeling frustrated that my daughter won’t put her toys away when I ask to imagining her on the street, in a life of crime. That’s a pretty unrealistic leap.” She also knew how important limits were, so we role-played ways to set limits with her spirited daughter in ways that kept them both out of power struggles.

Results

S. is now clear that she can handle her parenting challenges with confidence, and has the necessary skills to help create the peaceful home she desires. When she begins to feel overwhelmed, she knows how to step back, look at what really matters, and let go of the rest. She is enjoying her spirited daughter more because she knows how to discipline her without getting caught in fear or power struggles. As a result, her quieter more sensitive daughter is starting to open up more and interact more with her family. Because she finds pockets of time for herself and is less stressed and more energized, she is having more fun with her family. Her children are learning how to cooperate, do their chores, and play together. She and her husband have more peace of mind.

Problem:

C. is a mom of two children, a 2 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. She came to me stressed out that her household was chaotic and had little structure. Her husband worked long hours and she was a stay at home mom who worked 6 hours per week at night, when her husband got home. She longed for time to herself, and was almost constantly getting into power struggles with her children over issues such as eating, getting into a car-seat, and cleaning up toys. She was very hard on herself and felt that she was not a good mother compared to other mothers she knew. At the time we started working together she was wishing she could press a big “reset” button and start over.

Solution

We started by focusing on different mothering styles. C. was comparing herself to super organized mothers who were able to use elaborate household systems and was coming up short (in her estimation). We determined her parenting style and helped her to see all of the inherent strengths in it. We also explored some areas that were challenges to her, based on her style. She came to see that all moms have different styles with strengths and weaknesses. She began to focus on the good in her style, and we used it to create systems in her house that worked for her. She learned that her household system could reflect her: that there was no one correct way to run it.

C. was also blaming herself for her children’s misbehavior, so we spent some time discussing what was age-appropriate for toddlers and preschoolers. She began to see that it was normal for her 2 year old to need to run around much of the time, and started finding ways for him to be active in situations where it was acceptable. When it wasn’t acceptable, she learned how to avoid or minimize those times, as well as to set age-appropriate limits.

Because C. was so overwhelmed and stressed, we spent time figuring out how to build in some “joy breaks” every day. Even though she was convinced that there was “no way” to have even ten minutes to herself, we found ways to give her 30 minutes on most days. She had given up most activities that brought her joy after her second child was born. In our work together she began to see that nurturing herself as a person was just as important as knowing how to discipline, so she set up a dedicated area where she could keep her scrapbook stuff out and work on pages in ten to fifteen minute increments. She also started getting up early and working out two to three days a week. She began to feel less resentful and stressed, and started enjoying her children more.

The last area we focused on was how to set limits without spanking. C. knew her tolerance for misbehavior was low, and was eager to find ways to increase her patience and deal with behavior problems calmly and clearly. Her patience increased when she began to have time to herself. We practiced over and over how to deal with her daughter when she wouldn’t put her toys away, or wouldn’t eat her dinner. C. began to see that discipline wasn’t so much about controlling her kids as it was teaching them to problem-solve and handle the consequences of their behavior. Her confidence grew as she saw that her children were responding to her limits.

Results

C. is enjoying motherhood much more than before, and is much more patient with her children. She sees herself as a competent, confident mom whose style is just fine the way it is! She knows that her style needs a little more down time than other styles, and that keeping her household management systems simple means that she’ll stick with them. She is more patient with her two year old because she now knows what is normal for a child his age and what isn’t. She feels more in control of how her parenting is going because she has the necessary skills to discipline her children without spanking or yelling. The added bonus is that because she has stopped spanking and yelling, she feels great about herself as a mother.